Meeting Place?

[jamjar]

Just wondering if there is a particular bar in Corralejo where peeps can meet up with others for a bit of fun?

[fifi]

What kind of fun are you looking for Gizmo?

[Paddster]

Knew YOU'd ask that one fi 

[isleswing]

Hello Bar. Allegedly. We've not pulled there, though we're not really looking while we're on holiday. There's a good buzz there. Definitely a lot of muggles as well.

[Magoo]

What kind of fun are you looking for Gizmo?

If it involves lederhosen, he is at the wrong end of the island

[Biggles]

Gizmo17 my boy. I'm getting the impression that you're looking for a shortcut to finding eternal happiness with the woman of your dreams.

You may think me an 'old square' but I was young once and in the affairs of the heart, some things never change. Allow me to elucidate you on the best tried and tested method (it certainly worked for me by Jove).........



When in church try to establish fleeting eye contact with the girl you have become infatuated with. An embarrassed smile as you turn your head away sends the right message.

Outside the church ask Pappa if he will engage in conversation with her father. If he acquiesces, then use this as an opportunity to attempt further eye contact with a sheepish smile while going very red in the face. Alternate this with looking down at your shoes while on one foot, cleaning your other shoe on the back of your trousers. Doing this well can be as impressive as having great sporting prowess in the rowing team.

Repeat the above steps for several weeks.

Without being too presumptuous, ask Mamma if she, after church, will take the bold step of breaking her silence and introduce herself to your chosen one's Mater. If this goes well, then after just a few more weeks one of the mothers will ask the other's family round for tiffin or tea and cakes.

When the big day comes and you visit their house (Don't skimp on the Brylcream or Prince Albert's Royal Moustache Wax!) make sure to have a spare clean handkerchief (you may get lucky and have the opportunity to proffer the handkerchief as a result of a laydlike sneeze)-

However hungry you are, only eat one cake unless the hostess is insistant (and they are home made cakes). Never drink more than one cup of tea if possible. The need to micturate can give you an uncomfortable expression and it is a social faux pas to use the hosts' toilet. Should you succumb however, try and maintain your dignity while walking manfully down the garden path to the outhouse bearing in mind that those at the tea party will be silently watching your progress from the drawing room. Whatever your normal domestic practice do not take a newspaper with you (remember the handkerchief).

If all goes well, the patriarchs will enjoy a stimulating intellectual conversation about War and Rugger while the mothers indulge in frivolous chitterchat about their gardeners and the 'woman who does' for them. Use this opportunity to smile and offer to pour your 'lady' a fresh cup of tea. If she accepts, Oh Boy! you're on the road to success. Now would be a good time to relate that amusing anecdote you heard on the wireless about Johnny Foreigner.

From hereon it's relatively straight forward. Choose a rewarding career and serve an apprenticeship for the requisite years or join the army and serve in far off places. (Joining The Foreign Legion is no longer considered honourable due to their unsanitary toilet practices.) Meanwhile be sure to become penpals - this is essential!

After a few years, by which time you'll have a career and perhaps a limp, you must approach your lady's father and ask his permission to woo his daughter. Be respectful, grovel, say 'sir' repeatedly and try to give the impression that you may be impotent or that shrapnel has destroyed or even eliminated your genitals.

If all goes well then her mother will arrange a walk in the park with you and your lady followed closely (within earshot) by the chaperones - usually only four or five. Now is when you'll discover just how sensual sharing a tin of Traveller's Imperial Boiled Sweets on the promenade can be. Not an experience you'll ever forget.

After just a few months of this, pluck up the courage to ask her father if he will allow you to propose marriage to his daughter. This will be a good time to imply that your genitals are fine now and free of venereal diseases as even though he will be eager to offload his daughter, the male lineage must continue. As to how much he'll be willing to pay you to take his daughter off his hands (the dowry) that will be negotiated by your father.

If her father grants permission then find some public place (ensuring maximum humiliation should she refuse), get down on one knee and propose.

If humiliation does occur, emigrate to a newly colonised country in need of civilising or go back to the beginning and try a different girl. She was nothing more than a flibbertigibbet floosie anyway and unworthy of your attentions (or your Traveller's Imperial Boiled Sweets.).

If the girl has any sense she will say yes.

Once she has accepted you no longer need to engage in pointless conversation with your fiance. She's officially yours now.

After just a few more years of engagement to your betrothed you will soon be married and able to produce a child named after yourself.

(Should your progeny tragically be female then chin up - convents are there to take care of nature's mistakes - but for the ambitious, these days there's a wealth of opportunity for female careers ranging from nanny all the way up to seamstress. Set it to work and it could even cover its costs!)

Should you feel the need (as some men do) to engage in sexual intercourse a second or (as they do on the Continent,) a third time, then it is perfectly acceptable to make full use of the governess. Should she be careless enough to become with child herself then simply give her bad references or a shilling and replace her with another - an advertisement in The Times will take care of that in a jot.



Now Gizmo17, isn't that simpler and better than having to frequent speakeasies?

[fifi]

Gordon Ramsey: How to treat a lady