In Tommy Cooper Style.

[Keith Dean]

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate; when I said white

they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for over 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis witnesses.   
         
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes a woman happy.   

Nothing.       

         
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat.  That`s quite a lot.
Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month.
Time to change my water supplier I think.             
         
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics

after they tested positive for WD40.
         
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...         
         
"ITS A BOY !" I shouted "A BOY !, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY!"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel !
         
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.         
Both taken to hospital;  one's in a korma..... the other's got a dodgy tikka.
       
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! 
He's making land mines that look like prayer mats!  Its doing well !
Prophets are going through the roof !         
         
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,

they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.           
         
A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?”     
Granny replies "Never mind the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?" 
 
Wife gets naked and asks hubby "What turns you on more, my pretty face or

my sexy body?"

Hubby looks her up and down and replies "Your sense of humour !"         
         
My mate just  hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the  house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
         
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.


Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom,

[HelenR]

Brilliant