HO HO!

[Keith Dean]

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour and started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything – Kit Kats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip said he didn't give a toss, he was still going.

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa. But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

Now he's dead, they're making a film of Eddie Stobart's life. I've just seen the trailer.

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TVshow. Turns out I got it all wrong. The programme's called Fact Hunt.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Some swine's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it.