some quickies

[KWC]

I've been having an affair with a film director's wife. Yesterday he caught us in bed together.

He was furious. I said to him, "Look, mate, don't make a scene."


I've just seen a bunch of Mexicans packed into a tiny Ford playing the macarana and eating tortillas.

I think it was a Fiesta


Ordered some stuff online the other day & I used my donor card instead of my debit card.

Cost me an arm and a leg


My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it. Butter, jam, cheese,pek you name it she lets me lick it off her.

She's a cracker.


I'm dating a Radiologist...

God knows what she sees in me.


I was in my garden relaxing when a passer-by called me "Scruffy council house scum".

I wanted to batter the t*at, but tripped on a mattress and banged my head on a dis-used washing machine...



When I was a kid I used to wear clothes made out of liquorice....

I used to get called Allsorts



I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow.

"Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?"

"Sticks?" I replied


My girlfriend told me that I sometimes treat her like a child. I didn't know how to react...

...so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.


My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.

"Which one?" I replied, "James Junior, or the girl one?"


Alphabetti spaghetti are now making alphabetti butter....

Spread the word.......


I managed to accidentally swallow a whole bag of scrabble squares.

Taking my next s*** could spell trouble.


I phoned the wife and said, "When you come home tonight, the flat will be completely candlelit."

She said, "Aww, why, are you cooking a romantic meal?"

I said, "No, I haven't paid the electric bill."



My grandfather was a bitter man... He hated any other types of beer


My wife said we needed to communicate more. I knew she was right...

...so I gave her my email address.


Sometimes I wish I had a lower IQ so I could understand what the wife is saying.......


The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it."

"I don't know what you mean. Sit down, luv, and let's talk about it."

That's when I pulled her chair away


I was minding my own business when someone called me a retard.

I almost chocked on my shoelace


I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer last night and I think he's laced them with something.

I've been tripping all day