The Aberdonian

[nacnud]

"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
"It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall."
"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them."
"Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."

[nacnud]

A drunken man is driving through the city of Aberdeen and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
The Bobbies pull him over.
"So," says the Bobbie to the driver, "Far hiv yi been?"
"A've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the Bobbie, "it looks like yi've hid quite a few."
... "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Div yi ken," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few miles back, yir wife fell out of yir car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."