Winter Fuel

[Tel501]

About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel` payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel` payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition flat screen TV set, thus stimulating the economy

Q. But isn't buying a TV set stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel` cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar, Ireland & Luxemburg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein
*If you spend it on ebay your money will go Ireland
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco
* If you spend it in your corner “Asian mini-mart” no tax will be paid, it will be used in drug deals and eventually will be conveyed to Pakistan in a large suitcase to fund terrorism.
* If you spend it on “cheap” cigs it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria
* If you give it to Oxfam 20% only will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.
* If you buy a foreign car it will go to Japan, Germany, France, India or Korea.
* If you buy a British car it will go to Japan, Germany or India.* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshoreInstead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion:  Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
It`s the patriotic thing to do.
No need to thank me....just glad I could be of help!