1) The human body has seven trillion nerves. My wife manages to get on every one of them
2) Teacher says, "OK class, I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home.
Susie says, "We need a computer".
Wendy says. "We need a car".
Johnny says, "We don't need anything Miss".
Teacher says, "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something."
"No Miss, my sister came home pregnant and my Dad said 'That's all we bloody need'!"
3) Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, "How dare you call me a slapper.
Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!
4) Just seen a Dyslexic Yorkshire man wearing a cat flap!
5) I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper".
"Don't be silly", she said. "You can borrow my iPad".
That spider never knew what hit it!
6) The 200 Polish fans arrested after yesterday's game in Warsaw have been found guilty of violent disorder and been deported back to England.
7) A big row has broken out in the Irish Olympic Synchronised Diving Team after Paddy accused Mick of copying him!
8) English Stiff Upper Lip: On a train from London to Manchester, an Australian was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us. Look at me... I'm ME! I have Italian blood, Greek blood, a little Irish blood, and some Aborigine blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman replied, "Awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"
A daughter asked her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand.
He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."
Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick
I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be
in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he
begins to speak:
My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east
end."
My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City
Centre."
Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings
on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not
realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away,
the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been
such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this
property".
Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the asshole only had a paper
round!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Texan fellow sat on the barber's chair
"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine...
The barber began to lather his face ,
while a woman with the biggest, firmest,
most beautiful real breasts that he had ever seen
knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The Texan said, "Young lady, you and I should go
and spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The Texan said, "Tell him you're working overtime
and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him; you're closer
One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"
Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.
"She give it to ya?
I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a New truck?"
"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! "
An elderly couple who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged by friends, they decided to finally get married.
After the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to breach the subject of physical relationship. He asked rather tentatively," How do you feel about SEX?
She replied," I would like it INFREQUENTLY."
The old man sat quietly for a while then cleared his throat, adjusted his spectacles, leaned forwards towards her ear and whispered," Is that ONE word or TWO?
One Monday morning, Shane the mailman, was riding through the neighborhood
on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
"Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," Shane commented.
David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4:00 o'clock Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
Shane thought for a moment and said, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."
"Probably a good thing you did," David responded, "Your name came up 7 times
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age. It just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full up, so too do humans take longer to access information, it has been suggested.
Researchers say this slowing down it is not the same as cognitive decline.
The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information. Over time, the brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem; it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!!
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names... so please forward it to your friends; they may be my friends too.
HAVE A GREAT CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR.
If you want ONE hangover, start drinking Christmas Eve and finnish New Years Day !!!!!!!