The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted
to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold
auditions for her part.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own
fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday.>> But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I
got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not
breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered
McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
My wife packed my bags and said "GET OUT!!!". As I walked out the front
door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you chap whose parents weren't married when he was born!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay".
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex