I've been having an affair with a film director's wife. Yesterday he caught us in bed together.
He was furious. I said to him, "Look, mate, don't make a scene."
I've just seen a bunch of Mexicans packed into a tiny Ford playing the macarana and eating tortillas.
I think it was a Fiesta
Ordered some stuff online the other day & I used my donor card instead of my debit card.
Cost me an arm and a leg
My new girlfriend lets me lick anything off her and I love it. Butter, jam, cheese,pek you name it she lets me lick it off her.
She's a cracker.
I'm dating a Radiologist...
God knows what she sees in me.
I was in my garden relaxing when a passer-by called me "Scruffy council house scum".
I wanted to batter the t*at, but tripped on a mattress and banged my head on a dis-used washing machine...
When I was a kid I used to wear clothes made out of liquorice....
I used to get called Allsorts
I took two stuffed dogs I had onto the Antiques Roadshow.
"Ooh," Said the presenter, "This is a very rare breed, do you have any idea what they'd fetch if they were alive?"
"Sticks?" I replied
My girlfriend told me that I sometimes treat her like a child. I didn't know how to react...
...so I gave her a sticker for standing up for herself.
My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.
"Which one?" I replied, "James Junior, or the girl one?"
Alphabetti spaghetti are now making alphabetti butter....
Spread the word.......
I managed to accidentally swallow a whole bag of scrabble squares.
Taking my next s*** could spell trouble.
I phoned the wife and said, "When you come home tonight, the flat will be completely candlelit."
She said, "Aww, why, are you cooking a romantic meal?"
I said, "No, I haven't paid the electric bill."
My grandfather was a bitter man... He hated any other types of beer
My wife said we needed to communicate more. I knew she was right...
...so I gave her my email address.
Sometimes I wish I had a lower IQ so I could understand what the wife is saying.......
The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you, isn't it."
"I don't know what you mean. Sit down, luv, and let's talk about it."
That's when I pulled her chair away
I was minding my own business when someone called me a retard.
I almost chocked on my shoelace
I bought a pair of shoes from my drug dealer last night and I think he's laced them with something.
I've been tripping all day